Well hello, again, trauma triggers

I thought I had a pretty good handle on trauma triggers - in the last nearly 7 years I’d identified, worked through, and experienced most of them and believed I did know how to handle them.

But apparently not.

Apparently needing to seek out medical specialists in Melbourne, need for surgery for a loved one, the juggle of kids and school and doctors … all the things that I’d mastered (ish) during the juggle of 2018 before Pete died but which ultimately are wound up with and around with Pete dying… have combined once again and: hello, trauma triggers.

STILL!

I mean, I really thought this stuff was meant to kind of ease down after time … 7 years isn’t long enough time apparently.

The combination of all these things is rooted in a work accident for my jillaroo which has resulted in a fully ruptured ACL, partially ruptured MCL and a fancy sounding bucket handle tear in her meniscus from a sheep v motorbike incident.

Its meant concern around medical outcomes, trips to Melb for specialists, Melbourne hospital visits…

They say the body keeps the score - it’s true. My body has totally overwhelmed itself in its own self in the last week of so!

Back in 2018 when we didn’t really know why Pete’s legs weren’t working properly we had lots of trips to Melbourne with lots of unknowns. Lots of tests. Lots of Drs we’d never heard of or knew anything about. Surgery to remove a nerve.

Along with that, 2018 also brought with it the death of a dog, a cat, a grandfather, a great aunt, an uncle, a hernia repair which had a harder than anticipated recovery…

And all of that, the travel, doctors, fear, the juggle, talking to kids about feelings, the dealing with loss, having to manage it all, plus work, and keep up with obligations around school and sports, the lack of sleep … all of that the overwhelm I felt at the time - that has raised its ugly head again.

I’ve dealt with a literal truck tonne of the stuff around Pete dying.

But as it turns out, apparently not the bit immediately before.

And 2018 was a doozy of a year that we only just scraped through with our sanity intact and it’s why we were all going on a holiday at the beginning of 2019 - because after what 2018 had dealt us, it couldn’t get worse, right?

Insert eyeroll emoji and facepalm emoji

And I’m in a space now where, because I HAVE dealt with the stuff around Pete dying, my brain and heart has space to let this stuff other stuff that I had jammed very far down behind grief, out now.

I haven’t had a crippling panic attack for a while.

I had one last week. And this week. And yesterday.

The unknown. The fear. The juggle. The Dr trips. The factual knowledge that that last time these circumstances combined my loved person ended up dead.

That whole thoughts are not facts idea kinda goes out the door when the thoughts are actual factual lived experience.

My poor brain and body did the whole: oh holy shit, we’ve been here before, we know how this works…

My kids even held a little meeting together to work out who they call or how they help to support me because they know all this is a whole lot to deal with.

Helpfully, as they pointed out, they are older and more capable this time.

It will be ok (or it fricking well better be!) and I have spent a LOT of time talking to myself about it being ok.

TBH I’ve also spent plenty of time berating myself around the whole: this isn’t like last time… but also knowing it’s just like last time, I’m just not as blissfully ignorant as last time.

The upside of the lived experience is that I also know that my body can operate under this level of stress. I have proven that before. That even with every broken night’s sleep, kilometre driven, stress induced tear - I can still function.

Whether that is functioning efficiently or effectively is probably up for debate, but I can function.

I’ve gained plenty of insight to my brain and trauma’s inner workings in my body in the last few years, I understand a lot of this is temporary and, ultimately, survivable.

I know that some deep breaths, more water than coffee or alcohol, and a cathartic cry go a long way to dealing with it all.

I definitely did not do all of those things 7 years ago.

In this instance knowledge isn’t all power in this instance - either is experience.

Knowledge and experience are doing a damn good job of reminding me how it can and has turned out before but also of all the other things around it.

It’s also reminded me of how isolating it all was.  I am spending so much time trying keep the boat afloat for everyone in the boat I don’t get a chance to explain things to people or stop or catch up or be a good friend or person, in some cases.

And it’s reminding me how hard the juggle of meeting everyone’s needs are - after the juggle of the last few weeks and this week’s operation, I have switch to yr 12 celebrations as child #2 finishes formal schooling and does her VCE exams, and in between make sure kids get to sport and school and appointments. There’s also the small matter of meeting employment needs and deadlines for some things I need to actually do because that is what I’m paid to do … and I still need an income and there simple isn’t enough leave to just not work for weeks and still expect a Summer holiday!

But what I do know about it all and the experience of the last 7 years is that I know I will make it work.

The amount of coffee and sugar I’m consuming ensure I have the capacity to

My village continues to ensure it can work.

They are helping catch the balls of the juggle

I just need to rock back and forth for a second.

And have an outcome not like the last one.